More likely than not, most of us are already getting ready for the annual office or school or wherever Christmas party that people either look forward or hate going to. For some, more than the games, or the food, or even the potentially lousy exchange gift your secret Santa decided to give you, the possibility of meeting and mingling with other people you may find attractive is what gets people either excited or anxious. Flirting often seems like a foreign language to many of us, and most times, people either don’t know how to do it or don’t know when it’s being done to them, resulting in many awkward or missed opportunities. However, lucky for us, there’s actually a science to flirting, and today, we’ll see how some of the research on this topic can help us decode the language of flirting.
Whether we realize it or not, people tend to place more emphasis and importance on what people say rather than what their bodies are trying to communicate. When it comes to flirting, one study recently found that more than what the person is saying, the key to decoding the language of flirting actually lies in someone’s body langauge (Lewandowski, 2015). For men, when it came to showing interest to someone they were attracted to they tended to convey their interest by using dominance signals and posturing with their bodies some examples of which are taking up more space in the area, or leaning forward or closer towards the other person. These actions were also found to become particularly more prominent during times of laughter. Women, on the other hand, tended to convey their interest through more body presentation, such as positioning themselves in ways that highlight or accentuate their physical features (Grammer, 1990). While smooth talking may help in conveying to someone else that you want them, remember, your body also plays a large part in conveying whether or not you like someone and whether or not they like you back.
Apart from body language, the timing of behaviors also play a factor into communicating interest. For those of you hoping for a “one minute and they fall for me” type of wonder, sorry folks but research shows flirting doesn’t work that way. In a study that videotaped 10 minute interactions between partners who you were trying to flirt with each other, researchers found that behaviors around the first and second minute mark that seemed to indicate interest were not actually expressions of true interest when the participants were asked about them later on. Rather, it was around the 4th minute mark onwards that participants began to express that they had begun to feel a genuine desire and interest in the other person (Grammar et.al., 2000). For those worrying that they’re being too slow in impressing the person they want, don’t worry, science says, take your time, and you might just get the true attention of the person you want.
Some of you might be thinking, “But if it’s all just down to body language and timing, how am I supposed to get the person to notice me in the first place?” While majority of the chemistry that forms when people are flirting can be taken from the two things mentioned above, you aren’t just a helpless little flower, forever waiting for someone to notice you. Studies have found that things like using humor, wearing red, smiling, mirroring someone’s body language, and being an engaging conversationalist are all things that are likely to increase someone’s attraction towards you. These strategies work not only because they make you seem more confident, which is also something people find attractive in others, but also because they help the other person feel more at ease around you (Hill, 2017). At the end of the day, if you’re at that Christmas party and you’re thinking of what to do to approach that special someone, just remember that you may not remember all these tips, but you can be yourself, and ultimately, that’s what we want people to really be interested in us for.
Sources:
Lewandowski, G. (2015). How to know if someone is flirting with you. [online] The Independent. Available at: http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/the-psychology-of-flirtation-how-to-know-when-someones-interested-10331971.html [Accessed 8 Dec. 2017].
Grammer, K. (1990). Strangers meet: Laughter and nonverbal signs of interest in opposite-sex encounters. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 14(4), pp.209-236.
Grammer, K., Kruck, K., Juette, A. and Fink, B. (2000). Non-verbal behavior as courtship signals: the role of control and choice in selecting partners. Evolution and Human Behavior, 21(6), pp.371-390.
Hill, C. (2017). Top 10 Psychological Flirting Strategies That Actually Work - Psych2Go. [online] Psych2Go. Available at: https://psych2go.net/top-10-psychological-flirting-strategies [Accessed 8 Dec. 2017].
By: AJ Lim
