“Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me” is the iconic line to one of Rihanna’s Biggest Hits. The song S&M caused quite a controversy when it debuted due to what critics called a blatant display of sex and fetishes (Niemiec, 2011). However, it also made people more curious about an often thought of taboo (even more taboo than usual) area of sex, BDSM. An acronym for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism, one of the most general definitions of BDSM is that it is a type of sexual expression that may involve role playing, discipline, dominance and submission, bondage, and other a variety of other related practices (Silverberg, 2017). While all this may seem intimidating and daunting to someone who’s never experienced it, let alone head of it, discovering the BDSM world will actually introduce you to a sexual experience filled with creativity and trust instead of the sadistic and painful picture most people paint it to be (ehem 50 shades ehem). Today, we look at a few stories about couples who share their first time BDSM experiences and what it was like for them.
Rihanna Made Me Do It
(Female, 25)
My then boyfriend and I had been together for two years already, and we were looking for ways to make sex exciting again, because being honest now, it was getting kind of boring. We’d tried sex toys, having sex in public, all the positions we could think of, and wala, wala talaga parang patay na yung excitement ko for any of it. That was, until I heard Rihanna hahaha. Nasa traffic pa kami nun. I suddenly heard Rihanna’s song, S&M, and suddenly I had this moment of inspiration. I thought, “That’s it! We should try BDSM!” Honestly, I was pretty excited about the idea, and I told him about it. He said he was up for it so we spent about a few days researching on it. For our first time, we set up our safe words, and discussed what we would be doing for the night. We decided on a bit of role playing, and bit of bondage like tying him to the bed. We also decided that I would be in control, the dominant kung baga. We were just expecting it to be fun and something new, but apart from exciting, I have to say we both agreed we found a sort of freeing feeling for it. It’s hard to explain, but it felt like there was this mutual trust and understanding between us at that moment to just let go, and be whatever we wanted to be at that moment. It became a sort of safe space for us I guess, and it was some of the best sex we had ever had. After that, BDSM became something of a regular thing for us, and I guess in a way it saved our relationship for a few more months hahahaha. All this, thanks to Rihanna.
Safe Word for the Day
(Male, 28)
Matagal na akong curious sa BDSM. I would always be fascinated by the concept, and I know other people say it’s perverted, but I always found it to be sort of an art. Almost, like the very atmosphere created by two people in it speaks of another level of love, trust, and respect between people. Ang drama ko no? Hahahaha. Anyway, though it was our first time trying out BDSM, and we wanted to establish set guidelines, protocols, mga ganun. We read that setting these things is one of the most important things to do when engaging in BDSM because it’s important that all parties remain and feel safe. So, siyempre kasama dyan yung safe word dba? So we sat down, talked out our guidelines, and everything felt a lot like setting a contract actually, may terms and conditions pero pagdating sa safe word, medyo nawala na kami. We heard that the safe word had to be something that would be a clear signal for someone to stop, and something that won’t be taken out of context either. Isip kami ng isip pero wala talaga. For some reason, we couldn’t think of anything. So we agreed to just think about it before we tried out the BDSM. On the night we were finally going to try it, my partner came up to me, and sobrang laki pa ng ngiti niya ha, said na he knew what our safe word would be. When I asked him what, he said, “E di yung favorite mo nung bata ka, TELETUBBIES!!!!” Mamatay ata ako sa katatawa nun. For some reason, I couldn’t get the image of teletubbies dancing out of my mind anymore, and the idea of bringing that in the bedroom really started making me laugh. I kept laughing so hard that we actually weren’t able to have sex that night because he also started laughing. Lessons learned though were, 1. BDSM helped give me and my partner a very unique bonding experience that brought us closer, and 2. Safe words should be effective but maybe bringing the Teletubbies into it isn’t a good idea.
Go Big or Go Home
(Female, 23)
I had always wanted to try BDSM, and I said that if I was going to try it, I wanted the full hard-core experience. I put it on my Tinder that I was looking for a dominant to take my “BDSM virginity”. To my surprise, someone answered. Her name was “Mistress Diamond”. I met up with her at a coffee shop, and we discussed what her terms were, what my expectations were, and what to expect. She briefed me on safe words, and told me that if I accepted the agreement, I can sign the contract and be ready at my condo by 8pm that evening, naked, and kneeling on the floor, and I was not to move until she got there. Other people would be intimidated by this, but personally, I was so wet when I heard that. I signed and couldn’t wait for the hours to go by faster. When the time came, I waited for her as she told me to, and she arrived about a few minutes after either, judging by how long I was kneeling there. On hindsight, we did pretty basic stuff that night, but back then, it felt crazy. She wanted to take things to the bedroom, but first she made me take her shoes off while kneeling. I wasn’t allowed to make eye contact because according to her, I hadn’t “earned it yet.” After that, she made me crawl to the bedroom, and make my way to the bed without standing up. If I go through the entire night, I might take up one entire sheet of paper just for myself, but other things we basically did was bondage (she tied me to the bed with handcuffs), orgasm denial (I had to have her permission), light spanking and flogging, and after she made me come, we had a very tender moment where she just held me and cuddled me until we finished. I know people will think its perverted or that all this stuff is weird, but honestly, it’s a type of self-expression and freedom that I have yet to find anywhere else. There was always this high level of trust and respect between us, and I have yet to feel as respected and loved as I have during BDSM scenes with proper partners. That night was my gateway to the BDSM world, and since then, I’ve never looked back.
Contrary to popular beliefs and popular portrayals, BDSM may actually be a healthy form of intimacy and expression, if done right. So if you’re interested in trying it out but don’t know where to start, just reach out to us and we can refer you to local communities as we ourselves are not experts on the topic! 😊
Sources:
Niemiec, C. (2011). What's the Big Deal About Rihanna's S&M?. [online] HuffPost. Available at: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/college-candy/whats-the-big-deal-about-_b_819878.html [Accessed 16 Jan. 2018].
Silverberg, C. (2017). What Is BDSM?. [online] LiveAbout. Available at: https://www.liveabout.com/bdsm-2982603 [Accessed 18 Jan. 2018].
